Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

This was my dad’s browser history.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.