Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

Dolls on drugs

It do be feeling this way.

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

crochet youtube is brutal