me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
the official breakfast of 2021
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.