me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time