Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before