Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

We need to put an American base on the sun

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now