Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.