Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

favorite tropes as memes

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

Is….Is this an option?

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.