Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*