Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

live long and prosper!

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.