Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
You Might Also Like
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Found the job I’m suited for
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags