Me: *explains math problem* Tween: I don’t understand. Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

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Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

@prufrockluvsong

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4 months ago

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

@PrinceGreenJr

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11 years ago

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

@lemmywinkler

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9 years ago

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

@ManicSpacedust

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1 year ago

get you a girl who

@TheHatStore

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3 years ago

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

@TheOnlyMommaG

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4 years ago

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

@mom_ontherocks

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4 years ago

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

@EndangeredComic

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5 years ago

(more comics:

@sofarrsogud

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3 years ago

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

@TwinSurvivalist

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6 years ago

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

@GoingByRenee

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2 years ago

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

@roxiqt

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4 years ago

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.