Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Pass gas, not judgment.

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .