Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

When your best mate counts as a desk too

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.

I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.