ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
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You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp