Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.

Mornin

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving