Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn