Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.