Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
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Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.