Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

☠️ ☠️

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*