Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
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*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”