Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.