Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
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[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.
I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.
Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.
If only he knew the truth.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
A family that plays together cheats.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
At least he brought enough for everyone
