Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

“How’s your day going?”

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

I went from rags to one rag.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen