Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

Tony Hawk, age 6

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?