Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

We will use anything but the metric system

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake