Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

no exceptions

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}