me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
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“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
sugar glider wrangler
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The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”