Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

me at the job i begged god for

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.