Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house