ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin