ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.