ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
it’s not been my year
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
crazy
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]