Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
You Might Also Like
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I know this now 😂
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Why? Just why? 😂
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.