Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

honey, bring out the fine china.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”