Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

this isn’t threatening at all

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors