me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
You Might Also Like
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.