Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up