@InternetHippo

ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
[flashback]
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot

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@ItsAndyRyan

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

@juliussharpe

SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there’s nothing more exciting than listening to people drive.

@MrFornicator

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

@moprob1ems

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Me:

@Sickayduh

The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. “Too pudgy to be a terminator” says one woman.

@PaperWash

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

@ChewedOnBoobs

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

@WritePlay

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

@KrazykurtKurt

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.