Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I created you as mosquito food.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big