ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
💀🤣
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
🗽
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”