ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
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[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.