Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

How wrong was this guy?

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer