me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*