Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”