Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Who did it better?

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.