Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

more water

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Simple enough.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

This is a whole mood;

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.