Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

☠️☠️☠️

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.