ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.