Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.