bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?