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7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.


I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.


God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on


Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.


[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry


BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.


HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.


Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.


If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.