Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
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Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
wishing you and yours all the best
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Wait a minute…
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it