Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Aight bet

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.