Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What