Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

see next tweet for some translations

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.