Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

😂

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

Sticker placement is key.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

A room full of people:   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?