Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought