Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

that de-escalated quickly

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.