Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

The asteroid..

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

Real bees work best

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.