Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”