Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these