Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

When I said I liked it rough.

How to walk around a museum

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”