me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
😂😂😂
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”