me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
You Might Also Like
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Mornin
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers