Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend