Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
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cry laughing at this shit
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now