Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning