Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
sigh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.