@sixfootcandy

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

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@charliedelta7

I’m having a very hard time believing that money can’t buy me happiness. Especially since I’m constantly smiling when I have it.

@419BillE

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

@dvntownsend

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

@StevieKnip

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

@canunots

parents: okay we will be home at 11 o’clock!

clock: 11:01

me: they’re dead i’m alone i need to start my orphan life now

@EternalDago

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

@FilthyRichmond

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

@ReelQuinn

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

@Priscilla_YEAH

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

@chuuew

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!