Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

so i’m at the stock market right

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.