Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!