Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

*me flirting

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!