Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

guys i’ve cracked the code

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.