Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Sorted

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

“i am a sweet baby”

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”