Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
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my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Me trying to look natural in photos
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
me to God
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.