Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

PLEASE READ

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”