me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
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[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Good for him.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right