me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
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Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots